I don’t want to become anyone else’s

Once, Saguna Tai went with her aunt to Manglore, and stayed at her aunt’s sadguru’s, Saint Rama Devi, sadhak temple. Her aunt took her to Saint Rama Devi’s house for darshan. After the darshan, her aunt introduced Saguna Tai to Saint Rama Devi, saying, “She has said the mantra in public, so now please give her diksha (initiation).”

Saint Rama Devi just said, “Let’s see.”

All of this happened so suddenly that initially Saguna Tai couldn’t think of anything. But when she came back to the sadhak temple, she kept thinking and was scared of the possibility that Saint Rama Devi would give her diksha. And she kept praying to Saint Baba Maharaj Arvikar internally. She couldn’t sleep all night. She kept saying to Baba, mentally, “I don’t want to become anyone else’s. Please take care of me in this situation.”

Saguna Tai finally fell asleep in the early hours of the morning. Later, she immediately awoke to the sound of the doorbell ringing. Her aunt had gotten ready and was sitting for her dhyaan (meditation). When Saguna Tai’s aunt opened the door, her Guru Mauli was standing there with a sweet in her hands. Saguna Tai washed her face and did a namaskar to Saint Rama Devi. Once again, Saguna Tai’s aunt said, “This is my niece, please give her diksha.”

Saguna Tai got very scared and her racing mind kept thinking only of Baba, remembering Baba. And surprisingly, Saint Rama Devi then said, “You must already be aware about the impermanence of the body and the temporary nature of world relationships, right?”

Saguna Tai said yes. 

Then, Saint Rama Devi further said, “To give a mantra, either the giver should have a true willingness to give it, or at least the recipient must be willing to accept it. So we will see about this another time.”

Saguna Tai, internally, was extremely relieved, happy and did a mental namaskar to Baba. 

A few days later, when Saguna Tai met Baba in Dadar, upon seeing her, Baba said, “So what -- did you become that Mauli’s disciple?”

With this, she received confirmation that Baba had heard her plea. 

Saint Rama Devi and Saint Baba Maharaj Arvikar, both of these great saints recognized Saguna Tai’s mental state (bhav) and bestowed grace (kripa) upon her, that is clear from this recollection. 

In Divyamritdhara, Saint Baba Maharaj Arvikar says that when someone’s form and qualities are so enchanting that one constantly longs for their presence, that is the bhavana (devotional feeling) of love and attachment towards the divine. This bhavana naturally grows within the chitta of the devotee. The love of the gopis was exactly like this. They had a deep affection for and attachment to the divine. They constantly only prayed for Krishna-sukh.